Advice the world needs

Okay so a little while ago, we all learned that my daughter was going out with Tyler. I am not certain, but from what my daughter Malika Onstad of North Marion High School tells me, it's okay to mention him as pig-faced monkey boy with no future, and plenty of zits, no brain worthless pig of a bridge-sleeping bag lady. That at least is what I can gather is his last name from what she tells me. Obviously she does not have a high opinion of him, and who can blame her. Not only does he (according to what she will tell me) smell like a monkeys fart, not only is he the most socially screwed up sport hating, effminent without the pride of being gay, girly named (tyler how many chicks do you know named tyler, as opposed to dudes?) sissy boy. But, even without all that stuff, he writes lousy notes. I mean look at this quote from an actual confiscated note:

I have been meaning to tell you how beautiful you are. You are smart, intelligent, and oh did I mention beautiful..


I mean, while fraught with good intention, the note, is lousy. It is redundant, and lacking in imagination. While I do not know all the twists and turns of the female mind, I do have good advice for writing love notes that will be appreciated. So here we go with the instruction.

Dear ,

I have been thinking of you forever. My thoughts are eternally occupied with you. (Gives the same sense of "I Have missed you for the last 3 months we haven't spoken to each other" but, it lacks emphasis on how long it has been. Women want to be appreciated, and missed, but they don't want reminders of how long it has actually been. Don't give a sense of time, but let them know that however long it has been, you have been thinking of them forever.)

Next comes the compliments phase. Which I have a quote to work with:

I have been meaning to tell you how beautiful you are. You are smart, intelligent, and oh did I mention beautiful..

Okay good instincts on the beautiful, however, it's very generic. You want her to feel beautiful, and appreciate your admiration, but you need to be more specific. This works to your advantage. Just picture the woman you love in your mind, and call out details you appreciate. For example:

I cannot wait for another opportunity to gaze into you fantastic green(grey, black, blue, red, etc...doesn't matter, but it's best if you pick a color she either likes, or believes her eyes are.) eyes. I could swim in those eyes forever. And your smile, spreading down from your eyes to your mouth, gives radience to your face. When your mouth and eyes smile together, I know what heaven is like.

another example....slightly extended, feel free to snip portions. Only go for the whole picture if you it's all you have left:

I take great joy piecing the jigsaw of you in my mind. You toes slender, long, and beautiful. I love the way your feet are shaped flowing smooth, and beautiful into your ankle. The skin so smooth and touchable. A tickleable sole, suckable toes, all leading gracefully to your ankles. Which carry the eyes so smoothly up your figure. What calves. Smooth, well turned. Flexing so wonderfully in those heels. I almost wish I were a dog, so I could enjoy those legs the way they were meant. Well turned calf, kneecap placed perfectly. Thighs smooth as silk, turned to a beautifully smooth ride up to your hips. I believe legs like yours should be illegal. They only disturb the peace. How other women (swim, play tennis, go grocery shopping, whatever your woman prefers) stand seeing you in (appropriate venue) without envy is my only guess. And to continue, once we get past the legs. your figure blooms like a flower. (for those who are sticklers for truth in advertising, blooming can apply to any area, and really doesn't matter. women love being complared to flowers) Your majecstic shape and demeanor. Your beautiful curves, seperating the majestic landscape of your legs, from the rainbow like beauty of your face. Your beauty blows majestic beauty, filling my mind, my spirit, my imamgination, and my life. (again, you can not go over the top...well you can, but no matter what women say, it doesn't matter. The way women think is...."He probably doesn't mean it...but he wouldn't have said it, if nobody believed it....maybe half...or 2/3 of it is true. ya know, I have always liked my legs... trust me. Turn on the charm full boar. Beyond what I commented on. The secondayry part...You are smart, and intellingent. Again beautiful content. Always comment on a womens "interiour beauty". If possible intelligence. If not, comment on how much you enjoy talking to her. Or how fun it is to be with her. Something that feels personal, but could apply to anybody. 1( Because it's less work to come up with when you try it on a different person. 2) Because she will interprate. So long as you say it with a personal angle, it doesn't mater what you compliment, she will take it to mean her. Just try it out.

Finally, do not repeat your beauty comment. Even if you have a great closing compliment, don't waste it. It doesn't matter how long your letter is. How long you have poured over each individual characteristic, or each wonderful quirk. If you even vaguely repeat yourself, you will sound redundant, and desperate.

your best closing is letting her know how much you like/miss her, and how much you want to see her again. In this setting it's okay (even encouraged) to call back specific comments. For example:

These notes are poor company for being able to bask in your presence. But they will have to suffice as I endure the loneliness of lacking your presence. However, I do joyfully anticipate the next time I can gaze upon your magnificent (features, toes, calfs, breasts, eyes, etc.)

That is how a love note goes. Even a crush note. Basically the rules if you want to impress a woman are:

1)let her know you think of her, but don't giver her a time frame.
2)Compliment specifically. (physically)(Do not repeat)
3)compliment specifically (personally) (again, and even more strongly do not repeat)
4)Give her hope. (tell her how much you want to see her (or part of her again) tell her how much you miss herm, in this instance if it's a month or less, tell her how many days until you can enjoy the full glow of her presence.


So basically to tyler pig-smelling monkey fart, and others in his situations. Keep up the not writing, practice, but remember what I said. So long as you can combine being vague when necessary (basically anything about you, or about time commitments) and specific (again specifically about her. Doesn't have to be artistic, just something specific so she can feel special.) you will be perfect. Feel free to use my psot as a template. Probably won't do much good, but is great advice for anybody besides tyler (grease spot on the road, if he is lucky) who needs to get a lady to go to prom with him.